Sunday, December 19, 2010

One Year Ago Today

One year ago today Kathryn, you, my beloved first daughter died. When you did it was like a gnarled bony hand reached into my heart and ripped out a piece that was bigger than the whole of it. My mind tells me that your passing was in His perfect time, but my heart keeps saying “Too soon, too soon.” As surely as our parents, siblings, spouse and children each hold a special place in our heart, a piece of it is left empty when they are gone. Though your death was impending, still I was unprepared for a pain which would reach a magnitude so great and lay my heart so low. A raw open wound this huge should be visible, but the mirror tells me no one can see it.

In time the edges have become less raw, the surface less pitted and angry. Still there are days the hole is like an open pit mine left unattended after all its valuables have been stripped away leaving only raw earth and rock. Not a trace of the lovely jewels such as you which were once mined there remains. Another day the hole is like a heart, filled with beautiful pictures and precious memories of you. Yet another it’s like a knot hole in a fence board and the wind sings your name as it whistles through. Today it’s a wellspring, a wellspring of faith that I’ll see you again in Heaven. I’ll hang on to this wellspring as long and as firmly as I can, because in the blink of an eye, with no rhyme or reason, that hole can and likely will morph into that open pit mine or worse, the deep dark cave filled with self doubts and self incriminations about my abilities as a mother.

Only with your passing have I realized how much a part of me you have always been, regardless of how far away you were geographically, emotionally or physically. I miss you more than seems possible, and only the knowledge that you are no longer in pain, and the hope that I will see you once again in the hereafter gives me the strength to attempt to live as fully as you lived those days after your diagnosis.

Until we meet again know that I have loved you with all my heart and soul even when my words and actions didn't get the message through. I love you just as much today.

When I hear this song I sing it to you.

Wednesday, December 01, 2010

43 inches and still growing!

Cold weather has limited how much knitting my hands can take, but I've managed to finish the neck warmer to match the orange hat, and started a pair of fingerless mitts to match. One would think as much complaining as I've done about the Red Heart Sport yarn I'd have found another option for the mitts, but I figured I might as well use it up. I truly hope never to knit with it again.

On the softer side, the blanket for dear granddaughter is now 44 inches long, so it's officially two-thirds done. The picture was taken just before starting the last stripe I've been working on so it's grown just a few more rows.
Thanksgiving was wonderful with all the cooking done by the two daughters who were able to be here. It was the traditional meal with Turkey, dressing (with apples & cranberries in it - yum), jellied cranberry sauce, mashed potatoes & gravy, a dish with yams and apples in it. We contributed the rolls and pumpkin and banana cream pies, but not because I baked I just know where to buy good prepared foods .
Already we're thinking about the Christmas celebration. At least two of the girls will be here, and after talking to my daughter-in-law today I have high hopes that my oldest son, dil, and granddaughter will be here with us. That would be a wonderful treat! It would be nice to be able to see the light in our granddaughter's eyes when she sees her blanket. She chose the yarn so I know she'll be happy with the color, but she hasn't seen more than pictures since I was on row six or so.
That blanket isn't going to knit itself so I'm off to add a few more rows.